Because I keep talking to him in my head.
He told me today that it is only me who is ruining our relationship, because I do not believe it can work and never believed it will. And, he says, when you think it will rain, at some point it will. I feel like there is a steam roller coming and there is no way I can escape or change its course. I can only helplessly stand and wait, like in a bad dream.
What am I doing wrong? How can I make it right again? Why does he think it is only me, it is all my fault, that I am the only one who is ruining everything. Am I?? How? Why? I do not want to ruin anything, I want him back, the way he was with me, not the way he is now: cold, distant, always a bit aloof, even when he makes love to me...like I am a stranger, or a stupid woman who has to be shown her place - he says, he does not need problems from me, only love and support, and if I can not provide that, I should be re-thinking our future, because he will not be putting up with this attitude. My attitude, that is.
He says, I did not let him kiss me when he came home yesterday. The horrible truth is he was stinking garlic, I just could not make myself prolong the kiss, I hate the smell, but how could I possibly have told him?? It was ok, he was hungry, so he ate something garlicky, I should not have paid attention to that, but I really do not like the smell of garlic, and what was I supposed to do? OK, that was one mistake. Then another time he accused me of never telling him how my days are. Except that I do, when I feel he really wants to know. It is just he is so incredibly busy and stressed that I do not feel I can load him with more problems - and what is there to tell about my days? He wants to know what I do the whole day, but that´s so boring I don´t want to tell him. Did two batches of laundry, ironed 5 shirts, cleaned the bathroom, painted a sketch, who cares? I wish I could tell him how I feel, what I am thinking, I wish I could tell him how really lost and confused I am lately, and do not know where to turn anymore, how to be - anything I say or do seems wrong. Just today - there was a wad of Serbian banknotes he left on his desk. He says to me, looks like Lisa was curious, the money is lying at an angle and I left it parallel to the desk edge yesterday. And I say totally without thinking, come on, who needs your Dinars here?:) and he explodes. It was, apparently, an insensitive and mean remark, but I still do not understand WHY? How did I hurt him? and why have I lost the ability to see that I am potentially hurting him, I so do not want to!
I can not even write to him because I know from experience: he will not waste his time reading.
And talking does not help at this stage - first, there is never good time to talk, because he is either too tired or too busy and when he is rested and has time, then it is usually when we have the kids. Besides, he thinks and tells me that it is all entirely my problem, that I have to deal with myself and ask myself what I am, what I want, to be honest with myself and stop hating myself, and if I feel like cutting myself, I should by all means go ahead and do it, who cares if I myself do not care.
I said "first", so there should be "second", but I can not get to it somehow.
I am writing all this purely for myself, to try and get my head clearer. Sometimes this helps, when I pour everything out.
I have spent the whole morning in the church, playing the piano. I did not even notice that I´d been playing for 3 straight hours. I felt good there, totally alone with the music, in that beautiful light church. I did not want to leave. But I have some chores to do here, and then I will pick up Philipp. The evening Mass starts at 17.30, I plan to be there earlier, to play a bit more, to warm up the fingers. I hope he will come to the church, he said he would try. In my experience when he says he will try, he will most probably not make it on time. And he will not understand why it is such a big deal. Last year he did not show up at all, and did not understand why I was so upset about it. Why was I? Because I was alone again. Because I envied other women, who had husbands at their side. It is wrong of me, to feel like that. But I can not fight off every bad feeling I have. Oh trust me, I do try. I fight off jealousy, anger, resentment, I fight with myself all the time. Sometimes I succeed, most often I don´t.
When he talks to me, I feel liek a schoolgirl. I am told how wrong I behave, that I am a monster, a devil he called me once. It´s a catch-22: he does not like to share his plans with me because I do not take the news of his sudden business trips with joy and a smile, and because when I insist on knowing he feels controlled and does not like it. But I do not know what he wants from me - he demands I am always honest but when I show my feelings (I do miss him so and the news he has to go again does not make me happy), he gets mad at me. When i try to hide my feelings it does not work anyway, because he catches me at lying and he is right. Ah, all so complicated.
I know, a relationship is not easy, but why do I have a feeling I am trying my best to keep it and he has a feeling he is the only one who is trying his best to keep it - how can it be?
I am married to him, I am not walking away - I made my promise and I will go on trying, but why does he threaten me with "if you do not change, we should split because I will not tolerate such behaviour on the long term"? and why then five minutes later he says, he doe not want to split, he can see a future with me, and the only one who has problems is me?
Questions without answers.